ineffable76's Blog


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I went to counseling services for the first time ever Friday. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I was so nervous and scared  I was shaking like a leaf the whole time. It was only an introductory session. Next week I will be assigned an counselor "best fitted for [my] needs". The woman interviewing me seemed put off by my nervousness. I think she felt like she was making me uncomfortable. I told her she wasnt, its just that Im always nervous. Im always scared. Of everyone. I was honest (mostly). I admitted my SH and tried to impress that it is a chronic thing- not a phase. She asked me the likelihood of me SH over the weekend. I told her limited probability even though I totally intended to and did. Im feel grey over their standards on SH and when they have to intervene in my life. So I cant decide if Im happy I admitted the SH or not. I wish she wouldnt have hung on that so much. To me SH isnt a big deal, it is part of me and my life. 
Im still very nervous but I have hope. Maybe one day I will be able to be happy and not frightened every moment of the day. May I will even find out Im not just a husk of a human. Maybe my soul wont be murdered, if only cripled.


Sometimes I wish I could feel with other people. I wish I had more of a soul. I wish I felt more like a human, a person. I wish I had more of a soul.
I wish I had a soul that didnt feel murdered.
If your soul is murdered, can it even heal? Scratch that, can a murdered soul even mend? (Healing is asking too much)
I wish I knew.


Do you ever get to the point when you have felt like shit for too long, so you decide you are done with it? Ok if you am this unhappy then for the sake of it, you are gonna put a smile on your face and fake it until it isnt faking it anymore. Days, pass, weeks pass. You keep that smile on your face. Chin held high. Be that rock your friends can count on. Time keeps on passing. 
Until you blink one day and you cant remember how long it has been or why you keep wearing this foreign mask. Wtf? 


I read a passage in the new testament of Jesus healing a man who was possessed by demons. In the passage the man mutilates himself. Jesus removes the parasitic beings from the man and cast them in pigs. The pigs proceed to jump off a cliff.

I have always felt that demons exist. Even if we cannot see them, they are around us. And being raised in a Christian church, the stories of Jesus's interactions with demons and those possessed added to the belief.

Everyone has their demons. Alcoholism, other forms of drugs, effects of incest, hate, etc. Some of our demons come out of our past experiences. Some people it seems as if they were born with the tarnish on their soul. Even young and innocent, they still have an ineffable dark place.

For those of us who self harm, are we possessed? Do we have a common demon that is with us everyday? A parasite in our own souls? Were we possessed by in our lives?

Or are we tarnished and dark?


One of my favorite quotes "Genius is nothing more than inflamed enthusiasm" . I used to believe that to get where you want, to be who you want, you just have the drive and make it happen. I believed I could learn and do whatever I wanted if I just had the passion. Now Im not so sure... 
My mood: a bit bummed


I just spent another amazing weekend with my lover.
We spent every moment together making love, holding each other, or whispering sweet whispers about forever. He is my world. He is my strength, my sword and my shield. He has changed me forever. I love him so much. 
I starting thinking about the future recently. Lots of girls my age are getting married and others wanting to. My lover and I have been together long enough to know each other. We have lived together off and on (school) for over a year. I feel safe with him. I have never felt safe with anyone. Not completely. 
He makes me so happy. I really do feel forever in his arms. I love everything about him. People say no one is perfect. But he really is. Especially the imperfections. He is perfect in every flaw. In the way he is too sweet and giving. Even  when those who he helps really dont deserve it. He is so pure. In a world filled with shit, he has a pure soul. 
But even with all my feelings and thoughts about him, us, Im still afraid. Im afraid that our love wont last. I feel so completed with him. Im afraid one day he wont feel it too. Or we will change. All around me I see miserable people. Couples who violate the idea of love. Who make each other miserable out of malice and self loathing. Who hate each other. All the people who have stayed together have become warped. Like Gollum. I never want us to be that way. Did those people once feel for each other the way we do? If so how did it goes so wrong? Who am I to claim a higher state and say they didnt? I love him so much. I feel like it would dishonor God if I did anything to hurt this great blessing in my life. 
He told me I would make a wonderful wife, and that he would love to call me his. Im so honored to have him, let alone have him want me back. 
I guess Im going to have faith and hope in us. Because if I dont, I will never be satisfied. I hope the future holds out for us. 


Im so tired of being tired.

Im so tired of being tired. Im tired of  battling myself. Tired of battling the torments. Tired of battling time. Just tired.
The things I prized, the things I loved. Now ripped and charred. Burnt and broken. 
But really, dreams, who needs them? What are they good for? They just drift away from you in the breeze of time. As easy as the leaves whither and fall away.


You are my world. I never felt safe around anyone else. Ive always know everyone can hurt me and anyone will. Until you came into my life and showed me what real love is like. 
I never believed in soulmates either. But you also taught me how it is when you meet another person who completes my heart and rests my soul.
I dont know how I managed the days before you, and know I cant live any without you!


Im so tired. I cant sleep. When I do its riddled with nightmares. If  Im lucky enough to not remember them, then I wake with new injuries and in sweats. Im so tired.


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Previous Posts
Seether **** ME LIKE YOU HATE ME, posted March 21st, 2013
=X, posted March 17th, 2013, 1 comment
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3, posted February 28th, 2013
E>, posted February 24th, 2013
Im so tired of being tired., posted February 10th, 2013
<3, posted January 27th, 2013
zzz, posted January 27th, 2013
:), posted October 3rd, 2012

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